not amused with the amusement

Funtown Splashtown USA is totally outside walmart - otherwise know as the foul underbelly of present southern Maine society. But the kids love it, so each summer we go, knowing full well that the soundtrack from 1992 will blare over the loud speakers and the bracelet on our right wrist will be a skosh too tight and we will all depart crying and sweaty and swearing (ok, maybe just me). Begrudgingly, I offered my money and my arm to be banded and took a map of my personal hell and a coupon for 50 cents off an arcade game I would never play. First stop - waterpark. After a thorough slathering of sunscreen on my palest blondies we marked our territory with beach towels and backpacks, kicked off our flip flops and climbed the watery stairs (OSHA hazard?) to the tallest slide atop the pirate structure only to be met with a tie-dyed t-shirted boy who was strategically perched over us with buckets of frigid water. Before I could move an inch, I was drenched by 2 buckets of polar ice cap runoff. Strike 1 boy. If only I could find his mother... And just then, I think I did.

I tried to calm and warm my freezing girls when I noticed a skinny, tattooed, nipple pierced man with 2 lady-ish companions light up cigarettes next to my lounge chair - right under the NO SMOKING sign. Directly under the sign. They could have reached up and touched the sign. I gave them the head shake. Nothing. Cleared my throat loudly and pointed above their heads. Nothing. "Um, excuse me, no smoking area." Nothing. Little more aggressive, after all, I paid as much to be here as these yahoos. "Hey, you - NO SMOKING area. Right here. No smoking." They laugh. With a firm and shaking finger now, "NO SMOKING!!" So I get up and grab the closest team member and tattled. Why is there even smoking at a childrens theme park? If people must smoke, they should have the most uncomfortable spot in the place - not in the shade near me. The smoking area should be located at the end of a long trek through the park and only reached upon completeing a miriade of torturous tasks: 1) Pirate Ship, 2) ingest 7 hot dogs, 3) Tilt-A-Whirl, 4) walk over hot coals, 5) arctic water bath,
6) climb the side emergency ladder on Dragon's Descent, 7) climb back down, and then, 8) go home to smoke. Sidenote - if you are ever feeling in the downy dumps about your life as a swimsuit non-model, look around. You are guaranteed to get a bit of a morale booster.

So next, we decided it might be fun to schlep 3 kids and 3 tubes up to the steepest point in the park. There is a blue carpet runner that funnels people up the ascension to the clouds that is supposed to prevent slipping, but I swear that I could hear bacteria breeding under my feet. (Please God, don't let us get a foot fungus... Please God, don't let us get a foot fungus...) As soon as the carpet ends, we are on scolding hot cement and let me tell you, there is not one drop of shade on this cemented beast of a fake mountain. But there is gum - lots of gum. I shouldn't have to say it, but as I am thinking it, I see Thing 2 reach for a pink piece stuck to the great wall. "Seriously? What is wrong with you child??" A shrug was the only answer. Now we are hot and the tubes are heavy because we have been in line for a good solid 47 minutes and as we are nearing the summit, I have a toddler clinging to my neck, a 6 year old in tears because she has changed her mind and 2 tubes in my hands. It was at my weakest moment that I noticed a sign - "No hats, --asses, or goggles on waterslide" Hehe.

Me: Hey, boy, look at the sign!
Thing 1: What sign? (he is 9 and always asks first before he looks)
Me: Right there. Read that sign, but not outloud.
Thing 1: Oh my gosh! I can't believe someone actually ripped off the "G" and the "L"! That should be glasses! Hey mom, you are wearing glasses.
Me: (blank stare) Yah, but it read it! It says (whisper) a bad word! It is funny. You get it? We all have those! Those are prohibitted! See why it is funny?
Thing 1: eye roll.

I really wanted to take a picture of the funny sign so I could send it to the Signspotting website I love, but we didn't have the camera (apparently those aren't allowed on the waterslide either) so I proposed to husband that when we are done with the slide, that he take a jog over to the backpack, retrieve the camera, climb the ramp, snap a shot, come back down and then I could have my funny picture. "No. I am not going to do that. I don't think you should either. That is stupid." I thought it was a brilliant plan. Bugger.

A quick change later and the kids are now starving, but not for cucumber slices from our garden or PB&Js or goldfish crackers or water. Not even close. They want crap. I glance around to see 96% of the amusement park population in a high fructose coma. Deep fried crap smothered in ketchup. Drinks named after colors instead of flavors. Ew. Sorry shorties, I just can't do it. So now, crying. "Bah! You never let us have anything good!" "Nectarines are yummy." Fortunately, I was able to distract them with a ride on the Wild Mouse - the worst for one who is a) afraid of heights and b) sharp drops and, 3) mice. On the inside, I yell, "I hate it here! Agh!!! Kill me now!!" And then I see death, or zombie-like strangers filing out of the Astrosphere ride, blinded by sunlight and choking on fresh air. They look worse than I feel. And so now I am done.

I head to the car with the girls while the boys go on one last ride. The air conditioner feels great and we wait patiently for the rest of our family so we can finally go home when the little one screams of a belly ache. I spring to the rescue with the portable potty because "my belly hurts!" usually is code for "I need to pee". Not pee. Diarrhea. In the potty. In the car. I contemplate leaving it under the car beside mine, but settle on just adjacent to my own vehicle. When husband returns from the final adventure, I fill him in on the poo problem and tell him about the plan to leave it all behind. Vetoed again. We gather the kids, buckle around the complaints of the smell, roll down the windows and drive to the nearest McD's to dispose of the parcel. Good thing the guy searching for returnables has already hit this can because, wow, that would not be a good surprise.

I am glad that we only have to go once a year, kind of like the fair, because I really hate it. Why do we subject ourselves to misery for our kids? Think I need 2 anti-crazy pills after a day like this...

The FDA has just approved a new form of birth control called "waytoomanyinabed". A longitudinal and horizontal study reports that this Rx, taken properly over the course of several years, will absolutely and effectively prevent prenancy. Research dating from ancient heiroglyphics, early Chinese cave paintings and recent texts confirm this data. The recommended dose varies by individual, but a benchmark of 3 children, 1 old dog, 1 smallish biting puppy and 1 screeching guinea pig is a suitable start.

Side Effects: sleeplessness, drowsiness, abnormal hair growth, alopecia, pregnancy, irritability, restlessness, lethargy, confusion, headache, backache, toothache, belly ache, indigestion, nausea, anger, hostilty, hallucinations, drug abuse, midnight snacking, late night infomercial watching, impulse buying, blogging, FB stalking, paranoia, bad hair, mismatched shoes, strained eyes, strained peas, messy pedicures, sloppy speech, incomplete thoughts and sentences, loose synapses, yelling, crying, giggles, the crazy eyes and swearing.

Warning: Do not operate heavy farm equipment or firearms while under the influence of waytoomanyinabed.

Best if taken before midnight with a whoopie pie or a pint of ice cream.

3 AM eternal

Seems like I am not the only one who is awake in the house at 3A today.

This is Lola. My creative juices are flowing and so is her bladder. Let me rewind 40 hours...

On the stiletto heels of a successful freelance writing interview, I decided to find a dwarf lionhead bunny (gray or tan) for my daughter's birthday. I have been looking for quite some time, but until this very morning as I was eagerly awaiting my the job opportunity that would change my life, I searched for the fluffy critter in the pages of Uncle Henry's (a publication I haven't seen the likes of since college). Bunnies, bunnies, bunnies $10. Perfect - cheaper than the petstore. Oh, lucky day! After *starring* the ads for future follow-through. I kept flipping. Goats. Guard llama (interesting). Chickens (more interesting *****). Yorkie pups. Hold the phone! I do like Yorkie pups - heck, I have a really old one already. Maybe I will just call, you know, research. After 3 minutes on the phone, I am sold. But will my husband be so easily swayed??

We (me) tentatively agree to meet to take a peek at the 4 lovely girls the next day. I don't really have much else on the calendar and I certainly don't have the moola to ponder a puppy. Besides, it is only an hour away and we are just looking. I tell the 4 children repeatedly - "we are only looking. You people hear me? We are NOT buying a puppy today. FYI, they are not even available until mid-August. We are NOT bringing home a puppy. Period. Seriously."

Our 1 hour drive to Augusta slowly turned into a 2 1/2 hour drive to Bangor ("banga? I hardly know 'er!" Sorry. I can't help myself. No disrespect to Bangor...). Shoot. I only packed enough snacks for a medium sized outing. Solution munchkins - nay, timbits (I was scolded by the drive-thru girl). We inhale the box, take a pee break and head back out on the road. We finally reach our destination - a truck stop on the outskirts of town. Not my first choice for a first date, but ok. As far as truck stops go, this one was classy. The children unbuckle and stick their loud blonde heads out the window and try to guess which is the puppy chariot. We settle on the giant RV towing a PT Cruiser (or PT Loser like Auntie Patty says). Upon the approval of the driver, the side door swings open and a skittish dog bolts out into the middle of the bus rest area until she is smack dab in the middle of underneath the Winnebago. "Grab her!", yells the man with the bum leg (a term of endearment really, as I don't recall his actual name). Easier said than done buddy. She is the mother. She is no dummy. Stay on the bus with all those sharp puppy teeth or take her chances with the truckers. I don't blame her for a second. It would have been a no brainer for me, too. Reluctently and after some gently poking from M.W.B.L.'s cane, I am able to crawl under some patrons vehicle and drag the poor old broad out by the leg.

The children knock each other down on their way up the stairs of the giant RV and scoop the wee babies into their arms. Trouble. But do not worry as I have put on my "not gonna happen" glasses. Besides, they are not ready and I don't have money in my wallet or definitive permission. Immediately, all of these thoughts disappear and are replaced by, "I wonder if they will accept Lewis (the 12 year old spinning Yorkie with separation anxiety) as a trade? Or maybe a child? Or maybe the van??" I was saved though. They only accept cash. I don't have any. "You could go to the bank," says the M.W.B.L.'s big momma. She is already ratttling off the address to the nearest TD Banknorth before I can object. That sounds reasonable. And we can take one of the puppies with us home today. Imagine my good fortune! I pry all but one of the wriggling pups from my childrens' arms and set off with the man's wife (Tammy, I think?) to get cash. Apparently, I am not as trustworthy as I thought.

Getting to the branch was easy peesey Gary Sinese. I marched in and demanded a withdrawal. Shady. "It's for a puppy!", I barked, "she is in the car with my children and my old dog and the lady and she only takes cash. She is so sweet and it is almost my little girl's birthday and I don't know how long the other dog is going to live because he had almost all of his teeth pulled last year but they left 2 teeth and I don't know why but I am certainly not going to bring him back for another cleaning ever. It's for a puppy." Hello Slim Shady. Take money. Exit. Back to truck stop, but only after getting lost for 40 minutes with new friend. I joked, "hehe. If we can't find our way back, you can just come home with me. Hehehe." She gripped the door handle tighter. Does everyone think I am nuts? I bet it was the kids. They are totally scary.

So, here I am at 4:59A. With the puppy I was NOT going to get. My friend asked if I got her so I would have something to blog about. No way. Maybe. Lola is peed and pooped and asleep again. I really must me insane. But insane with a super cute puppy!