gadzooks!

At the risk of sounding like an old grumpy Grandpa, gas is $3.39999 per gallon! I remember when I could fill my car for $15 and a gallon of milk was $2 and a loaf of bread was, well, considerably less than it was the other day! Of course I had to walk 36 miles in the snow, all uphill and with no shoes to get to the gas and grocery store, but seriously, what the heck?! I detest spending insane amounts of cash on things that I don't actually want. I do understand retail and the middle man foolishness, but honestly, this is crazy.

Here are things I don't like paying for:

1) gas and heating oil (put on a doggone sweater!)
2) all things related to cars (including the car, parts, labor, tolls, etc.)
3) checking bags at the airport (I have to buy 5 tickets, isn't that enough?)
4) crappy food (what a bummer)

Here are things that I don't mind paying for:

1) clothes and shoes (we need to look good, right?)
2) good food (I really like Japanese)
3) flowers (mental health booster - invaluable)
4) vacations and souvenirs (memories are forever afterall)

I am thinking that I might like to move to a deserted island, eat coconuts and mangos and make a nice tree house. I could totally save money doing this.

To make this a reality, I only need to:

a) book plane tickets (and find uninhabitated tropical island),
b) pack 67 suitcases (need to go shopping for island wear),
c) drive to airport (probably should to get gas for the van)
d) pack a lot of snacks (kids don't like coconuts and mangos apparently),
e) make sure oil tank is full so pipes don't freeze and burst (still winter),
f) arrange for furniture delivery (no one sleeps well on roots and dirt)

Ok, so perhaps this fantasy is precisely what it is - a fantasy. Unless I go alone. I could totally rough it by myself. Anyone want to join me??

oscar, oscar, buzz, buzz

I would like to announce a late entry nomination for the only slightly less well known achievement - the Oscar Mayer Bologna Award (henchforth referred to as the OMBA). You might have seen her in the way, way off Broadway musical, "Mama Annie Get Your Gun", in which she loosly portrayed Annie Oakley as a stay-at-home mom in modern days. Critics raved, "When I saw her (Mama) throw that Jolly Rancher candy out of the van while driving, I knew she was a real sharp shooter. She chucked that sucker out of the window like an ace. I actually shuddered." She recently appeared in a plucky community theater tribute to the Carol Burnett Show and was recognized for being "that girl" from the bank commercial. But her greatest accomplishment, thus far, is being nominated for the 2011 OMBA in the category of World's Most Unfair Mum. Hollywood is abuzz with this lady's shenanigans including the time last week when she took her children to get haircuts and the newly accredited girl with a very inappropriately plunging top chopped the golden locks off her boy when he only wanted a trim. The audience cried when she forgot to remind her darling daughter to pack her snowpants and she had to stay on the pavement during outdoor recess and tempers flared when she made dinner one night and it "wasn't very good". Her children report that they are the only house in Maine that doesn't have cable and their consumption of artificial food dyes is restricted. This low budget film noir never made it to the big screen, but you can catch it every day if you open your car windows and drive past her house. She is being considered for a role in the upcoming daytime drama, "People Who Sometimes Forget To Feed The Dog and The Toddlers That Tattle On Them". Cast your votes today!

hindsight

C'mon, do we love her? Hindsight is the smarter, funnier, cooler version of me and sometimes I don't actually love her. She tends to, well, show up too late - like the other day when I was at the mall and little O wanted to go on the obscene new attraction near the Foodcourt dubbed the "Carousel of Tormented and Recently Nauseated Parents". It costs a mere $2, but for someone like me who pays with plastic vs. cash and only has enough for the turnpike ride home at the bottom of my fantastic sumptious leather handbag and doesn't know her ATM pin number, I encountered a teensy bit of of a problem. Hindsight says, "You should have been more prepared. Who doesn't know their pin? Now you have a screaming 2 year old who will not be comforted by even the biggest M&M studded Mrs. Fields cookie. Next time you should offer the ride lady more than $1.30 in change and some lipgloss (only partially used) and the oversized pink button. Let this be a lesson for you." It wasn't. Picture the same scenario 3 times. She now busies herself with the rotating ad space featuring the law offices of some guy with a funny moustache and a teenagery girl with a glittery cell phone. She also reared her fresh mouth when I consumed an entire bag of dried apricots and mango slices. Like the Sunsweet Ones Individually Wrapped Prunes Episode Take 2 - more a suggested serving size instead of a creative name. Or the stressful day last week when it seemed like a fantastic idea to cut my own bangs (again). These are not good choices. These are times when I would prefer foresight. I really like her - she is on the ball, I tell you! But, her arguments are not always as convincing or charming or fun than my own and that's when hindsight really hurts even more. Remember when you thought about getting the septic tank pumped in the fall but kept putting it off and now we have 17 feet of snow on the front lawn and you thought you caught a whiff of some suspicious smell and so you called the pumper guy and he giggled a little bit about your timing? Double ouch. I am always an advocate for natural consequences, but I have decided those are only for children. I am at a way higher stage of development - denial and oblivion.

Holy crap - I broke my baby!

And it can totally happen to you, too. Sure, I threaten those crazy hooligans all of the time, but I never actually thought that it would happen, especially by accident and extra especially on my FAVORITE littlest one (btw, they are all my faves). I called my almost 3 year old in from the snowy outdoors for a snack and some cocoa and proceeded to peel the layers of warm duds, starting (and consequently ending) with the old "gonna pull and tug your mittens off" game when I heard the scream that immediately stopped my breathe and broke my heart. It was a different kind of hurt cry - the one that a mum instinctively thinks, "holy crap - I broke my baby!". After a few frantic phone calls to the doctor and my bff and husband, I loaded my limp arm lovey into the van and headed to the orthopedist. Three x-rays, some manipulation (on the arm, of course) and lots of tears (from both of us) later, her tiny wee arm was relocated (opposite of dislocated?). It was so strange, too. She was wincing from the agony and then she was just great - full range of motion restored and no more pain. She told the doctor (who was awesome and if you ever need an orthopedic guy, Dr. Glacier is the bestest), "Mama pulled my mitten and I got an ouchie and the doctor fixed me and we went tubin'". I couldn't help but recall all of the times we playfully swing the kids by the arms when we are walking through the mall or holding a hand and a toddler trips. Millions of opportunities for injuries and my sweetest gets broken from a simple disrobing. So - beware! Apparently, kids really are breakable. I thought all of those expert people were just kidding...