can I see you naked?

Now that I have stripped down to my emotional birthday suit, I am faced with a new hurdle - I don't know what to wear. Of course, this age old mental reservation plagues me and my six year old clone each morning, but I am referring to the new me - the inside me. I have been un-well for so long that I honestly don't think that I know what "normal" looks like. Right here, you are thinking, "normal? That's a loaded piece of crap question!" But, I am always an all or nothing kind of gal. Where is the middle? The grey?

I have this recurring dream where I am a kind, patient mum with a tidy house, a clean van and my children are well behaved and have little British accents. Then I wake up and scream at my yowlings to "just put ANY darn shoes on! I don't care!!!" and the dishes from last night are still in the sink and the only time that the van floor gets a smidge less crunchy is when the dog sneaks in and gobbles up the crumbles. I see other people and try to imagine what how they are so (seemingly) put together. Shoot - some even smell good and speak in complete sentences! What are they like at home? Do they hate the way their husbands chew and load the dishwasher? Do they roll their eyes at the endless questions posed by 3 year olds? Do they think 9 year old boys are annoying and pesty and bicker with their daughters about dresses and music and jumping on the beds? Do they lock themselves in the bathroom for 5 minutes of solitude under the guise of, well, going to the loo? This is me. Is this how other people live? Do I need to be concerned that I am hitching a ride back on the crazy train?

I am afraid of falling off the sane wagon and I worry that if I feel sad or glad or bad or mad or like making pathetic Suess-like rhymes, that I might need to increase my meds or my sessions. Last night, I struggled very muchly. I had some not so good thoughts and just crashed into bed. I wonder if this is because it's the end of the school year and I am overwhelmed or is it something more? How do I know? I wish someone would just write a book on mental wellness and how to get rich quick (a two-fer). Oprah must be bored by now. Maybe I can entice her?